I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news