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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…