Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”