Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
You Might Also Like
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*