Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive