I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Selfie
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
A completely valid reaction tbh
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.