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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
i think my razor is having a panic attack