Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Still cracks me up
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am