Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I’m giving up ice.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
They say women only use 10% of their anger