Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips