Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be