When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
it was love at first sight
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?