I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Grandmother clock.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Monica just destroyed the internet
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”