Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*