this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Can’t stop laughing
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
don’t be scared
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.