I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre