those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.