Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.