Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Finished stitching this today 😇
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.