I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
How do dragons blow out candles?