[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You Might Also Like
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My flabber has been gasted.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.