“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: