Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.