You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Webb. James Webb.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children