As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me