My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.