my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
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Appendviii
Appendix
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?