I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.