Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t