I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
remember
only for emergencies
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.