DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
This makes total sense…
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.