Peter Parker Peter Driver
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*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
me and my fake scenarios
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise