My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.