The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
🤣🤣💀
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
New Tinder profile.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.