Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”