Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Bike is short for Bichael.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.