I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*