Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
mariah carrie
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.