Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day