Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
first you must answer his riddles
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.