9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
You Might Also Like
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
the world’s most popular steaming services