I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.