AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
You Might Also Like
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Cutest fight ever.. 😊