You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct