When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I am, perchance
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.