I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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I would move hell over six inches for you
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Finally a use for spoilers…
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer