A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
me hitting on a model
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Sing it!
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em