when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
You Might Also Like
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
put ‘er there pardner!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I would move hell over six inches for you
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
honestly, i need both:
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.