Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Steam Forums
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail