Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]